California To Hold Giant Garage Sale

Items inlcude office furniture, jewelry, computers, and the L.A. Clippers.

It's Choose Your Own Headline Time

"With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves, let me forget about today until tomorrow." (Mr. Tambourine Man)

"You've never learned to read or write, there's no books upon your shelf." (One More Cup of Coffee)

"I can't feel you anymore, I can't even touch the books you've read." (Idiot Wind)

"Read books, repeat quotations, draw conclusions on the wall." (Love Minus Zero/No Limit)

"Written by an Italian poet from the 13th century." (Tangled Up in Blue)

"I told them I was the editor of a famous ettiquette book." (Bob Dylan's 115th Dream)

Non-gluten Body of Christ, Non-gluten Bread of Heaven

"We're sorry, little Haley, but the wafer you received that represents the body of Christ is just a little more fake than we actually like it to be. Maybe you'd like to try another denomination now. Thanks for your 8 years of devotion to the Roman Catholic Church. Maybe if you were a little boy we could have worked something out."

Just Kazoo Does This Guy Think He Is?

Okay, it happened again. I'm still reading "Escaping the Delta" and last night I stumbled upon another kazoo reference. Still no explanation from the author, just a casual mention:

Since [Alan] Lomax interviewed only a handful of musicians, it is also difficult to judge how closely [Muddy] Waters's repertoire matched that of his Mississippi peers. There are a few clues, though. Skip James, when he began playing on the folk circuit in the 1960s, would occasional sit down at a piano and perform Hoagy Carmichael's "Lazybones," and his biographer wrote of him playing the Tin Pan Alley torch song "Am I Blue," complete with kazoo solo.

I decided to do some kazoo research to see if maybe I'm bringing the wrong kazoo connotations to my reading. Elijah Wald (author of "Escaping the Delta") talks a lot about how the classic blues players usually only recorded blues-style music and rarely played it when performing for crowds. During concerts they would play whatever it took to please that audience. This included covers of standard pop songs of the day, bluegrass, jazz, and "hillbilly" music. Wald mentions that most blues artists were most happy and most comfortable playing the different genres of music that would please the crowds instead of the blues music that they were forced to write and record by their record companies.

I guess that maybe the kazoo playing came from playing the "hillbilly" music for predominately white crowds in the south. By the way, "hillbilly" music is the term used in the book. From the descriptions I'm assuming that it means country, novelty-type songs.

Moving on...

According to the kazoo page at wikipedia the kazoo was invented in Macon, Georgia. I live near Macon. I used to work in Macon. I regularly visit Macon and I like to think I'm an observant guy. I've also been to the Georgia Music Hall of Fame (in Macon) twice, it's lovely really. There's not one mention of the kazoo being invented in Macon in there. In fact, I don't think I've ever heard the words 'kazoo' and 'Macon' in the same sentence before. I shall start on an intense letter writing campaign very soon to get, at the very least, a plaque in the GMHF. My true wish is for some sort of big bronzed kazoo statue downtown. Hopefully in the middle of Cherry Street or somewhere else near the Douglas Theatre, which I'm sure saw its fair share of kazoo-playing blues legends back in the day. Why is this city shunning its kazoo heritage? They trip all over themselves to talk about the Cannonball House (the only Macon house hit in a Federal attack during 1864). Just imagine the tourist dollars that Macon could be raking in with a Kazoo shrine. I think Macon is seriously under estimating the disposable income of kazoo enthusiasts.

There is plenty of other fun kazoo stuff at the wikipedia page. I highly recommend the link that asks if you ever wondered what a kazoo would sound like through a wah-wah peddle.

Kazoo Info From Wikipedia

Tax Commissioner Run-Off Results or How Everyone in the County Learned to Stop Worrying and Let Somebody Else Go Vote

Kunshinka! Mark Kushinka defeated Judy Kluge for Tax Commissioner yesterday. Wait a minute. Wasn't it just a run-off? Well, yes, but there are no democrats running so let the reign of Kushinka begin.

From the Macon Telegraph:

Mark Kushinka, assistant chief appraiser in the assessor's office, defeated Judy Kluge in Tuesday's Republican primary runoff election for tax commissioner. Kushinka received 1,962 votes to Kluge's 1,663.

Voter turnout for the election was 9.6 percent.

Read. Laugh. Feel Bad For Laughing. Laugh Some More.

McSweeney's Internet Tendency: Ike Turner's Guide to Restoring America's Honor.

Randomsville, Population 434.7 – SAAA-LUTE!!

I went to the grocery store tonight. My total was a palindrome: $20.02

My son is starting to recognize Disney movies and requests them according to what he likes on the cover of the DVD box. He calls A Bug’s Life “Bugs”, The Lion King is “Pumba”, and for some reason Toy Story 2 is “Dog Pig”. Out of all the characters in Toy Story 2 I’m not sure why Aden most identifies with the dog and the pig, but he has. I plan on watching Kill Bill, Volume 1 this week or as Aden would probably call it “Sword Girl”.

I read on espn.com’s Page 3 this week about all of the at-bat music for the 30 major league baseball teams. I might be going out on a limb here, but baseball players might just have the worst taste in music…ever. One of the few interesting songs has to be David Delucci’s choice of “The Godfather Waltz” from the first Godfather movie. I can’t imagine that getting anybody psyched about an at-bat, but at least it’s not “Yeah” by Usher, which is the at-bat choice for about 80% of everybody else in the Majors.

Today was the run-off for Houston County Tax Commissioner between Judy “Big Freak Head” Kluge and Mark Ku-SHINKA! I’m anxiously awaiting the results.

I thought these little random bits would be fun to do. I figured if Larry King could parlay this crap into a USA Today column, I could easily bang a few random thoughts out. Well, I can, but it's just not very fun. I promise to never do this again.

Disturbing News from the Phillipines

"Oh, this tastes great. I bet Benjie would love this. Hey, where is Benjie? Has anybody seen Benjie lately?"

Lord Love a Kazoo Player

I'm currently reading "Escaping the Delta: Robert Johnson and the Invention of the Blues" by Elijah Wald. I am really enjoying it, although it is a bit stuffy. It almost reads like the book was an assignment, rather than a labor of love, which is what the author claims. Case in point: I came upon a sentence last night that made me laugh, but it is used with complete sincerity in the book. I just don't understand how anyone could write this sentence and actually include it without any irony at all. Here it is:

Tampa Red, meanwhile, was a slide guitar virtuoso with a thin, distinctive voice and a fondness for the kazoo.

Who knows, maybe the kazoo was a common instrument in early blues recordings. I don't know.

John Kerry's speech from the DNC

Below is Kerry's speech from the Democratic National Convention along with my comments in red. I started it and then thought it wouldn't be of any use and deleted it. Yesterday I looked it up again and went through the whole thing. It will be obvious that I don't like the guy from my comments. This in no way is an endorsement of Bush though. I hope to find the time to do the same thing to his speech after the RNC. In a nutshell, I don't think there will be positive changes without viable third party candidates. Neither Republican nor Democrat will ever be bold enough to make the changes that I think are needed. I do not agree with a lot of Ralph Nader's ideas, but I support his running for president. I didn't vote for him last time and I won't this time either, but I do not blame him for Gore's "defeat". I save that blame for the people of Florida. All together now: "You suck, Florida!"

Before we get to the speech, I'd like to say that I'm really not as bitter as some of my comments might imply. Also, "~" is used to imply sarcasm or a joke. I'm sure if you know me it will be obvious when I'm being snide, but it's there just in case. Also, this is incredibly long. If you are going to read it, please don't just read my comments. Some won't make sense without the context of the speech. Now that I'm through being picky, here we go...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Boston, MA - We are here tonight because we love our country. (No you’re there to waste a bunch of money on an out-dated, useless convention of which the outcome has been known since early March.)

We are proud of what America is and what it can become.

My fellow Americans: we are here tonight united in one simple purpose: to make America stronger at home and respected in the world. (I’ll give you respected in the world, but I’ll be damned if the policies you have outlined so far will make us stronger at home.)

A great American novelist wrote that you can't go home again. (He must have a thing for Carolinians. He just quoted one and he has one as a running mate.) He could not have imagined this evening. (Actually, I think Thomas Wolfe had a very active imagination. Wait, maybe he didn’t. He only wrote about 4 novels and two of those had “home” in the title. Good call, Kerry. Boo, Thomas Wolfe and your stagnant imagination.~) Tonight, I am home. Home where my public life began and those who made it possible live. Home where our nation's history was written in blood, idealism, and hope. Home where my parents showed me the values of family, faith, and country.

Thank you, all of you, for a welcome home I will never forget.

I wish my parents could share this moment. They went to their rest in the last few years, but their example, their inspiration, their gift of open eyes, open mind, and endless world are bigger and more lasting than any words.

I was born in Colorado, in Fitzsimmons Army Hospital, when my dad was a pilot in World War II. Now, I'm not one to read into things, but guess which wing of the hospital the maternity ward was in? I'm not making this up. I was born in the West Wing! (Oh, Christ! Tell me he didn’t hire Bruce Vilanch as his joke writer.~)

My mother was the rock of our family as so many mothers are. She stayed up late to help me do my homework. She sat by my bed when I was sick, and she answered the questions of a child who, like all children, found the world full of wonders and mysteries. (This isn’t Kerry’s fault, but my god political speeches like this are trite.)

She was my den mother when I was a Cub Scout and she was so proud of her fifty year pin as a Girl Scout leader. She gave me her passion for the environment. She taught me to see trees as the cathedrals of nature. (I’m assuming he winked at someone from the Sierra club after he said that.) And by the power of her example, she showed me that we can and must finish the march toward full equality for all women in our country.

My dad did the things that a boy remembers. He gave me my first model airplane, my first baseball mitt and my first bicycle. He also taught me that we are here for something bigger than ourselves; he lived out the responsibilities and sacrifices of the greatest generation to whom we owe so much.

When I was a young man, he was in the State Department, stationed in Berlin when it and the world were divided between democracy and communism. I have unforgettable memories of being a kid mesmerized by the British, French, and American troops, each of them guarding their own part of the city, and Russians standing guard on the stark line separating East from West. On one occasion, I rode my bike into Soviet East Berlin. And when I proudly told my dad, he promptly grounded me. (If I had a dollar for every time I got in trouble for visiting the communist side of my town…)

But what I learned has stayed with me for a lifetime. I saw how different life was on different sides of the same city. I saw the fear in the eyes of people who were not free. (Like the people of Iraq who weren’t free a while back.) I saw the gratitude of people toward the United States for all that we had done. I felt goose bumps as I got off a military train and heard the Army band strike up "Stars and Stripes Forever." I learned what it meant to be America at our best. I learned the pride of our freedom. And I am determined now to restore that pride to all who look to America.

Mine were greatest generation parents. And as I thank them, we all join together to thank that whole generation for making America strong, for winning World War II, winning the Cold War, and for the great gift of service which brought America fifty years of peace and prosperity.

My parents inspired me to serve, and when I was a junior in high school, John Kennedy called my generation to service. It was the beginning of a great journey – a time to march for civil rights, for voting rights, for the environment, for women, and for peace. We believed we could change the world. And you know what? We did. (Really? Kerry’s generation changed the world? Maybe they changed America, but the world? I’m going to let that one slide, but really changed the world? That’s no where near being true.)

But we're not finished. The journey isn't complete. The march isn't over. The promise isn't perfected. Tonight, we're setting out again. And together, we're going to write the next great chapter of America's story.

We have it in our power to change the world again. But only if we're true to our ideals – and that starts by telling the truth to the American people. (Why should any politician start now?) That is my first pledge to you tonight. As President, I will restore trust and credibility to the White House. (Bush is untrustworthy and not credible? You don’t have to sale me or anyone in the Fleet Center on that point, but is that really what you want to say in your acceptance speech? That Bush is untrustworthy and not credible? Save that for the stump, big guy.)

I ask you to judge me by my record: As a young prosecutor, I fought for victim's rights and made prosecuting violence against women a priority. When I came to the Senate, I broke with many in my own party to vote for a balanced budget, because I thought it was the right thing to do. I fought to put 100,000 cops on the street.

And then I reached across the aisle to work with John McCain, to find the truth about our POW's and missing in action, and to finally make peace with Vietnam.

I will be a commander in chief who will never mislead us into war. (Uh, you voted for the war, sir.) I will have a Vice President who will not conduct secret meetings with polluters to rewrite our environmental laws. (Sounds good to me.) I will have a Secretary of Defense who will listen to the best advice of our military leaders. (Hey, great!) And I will appoint an Attorney General who actually upholds the Constitution of the United States. (Good luck finding a constitutionalist in the Democratic Party, man. And if you are looking to reach out in the spirit of bipartisanship and appoint a Republican in this role, you’re not finding one there either.)

My fellow Americans, this is the most important election of our lifetime. The stakes are high. We are a nation at war – a global war on terror against an enemy unlike any we have ever known before. And here at home, wages are falling, health care costs are rising, and our great middle class is shrinking. (Oh, please! The middle class is not shrinking! That’s total class warfare BS.) People are working weekends; they're working two jobs, three jobs, and they're still not getting ahead. (Who are these people? And isn’t that what they are supposed to do if they have no other way? I don’t want to sound like, uh, what do you call those cold-hearted people, ah, yes, a Republican, but if you haven’t prepared in other ways to support yourself and your family, then weekends and 3 jobs is probably the way to go.)

We're told that outsourcing jobs is good for America. (Well, it certainly sucks for the Americans who directly loose their jobs, but economically, yes it is usually an overall economic benefit.) We're told that new jobs that pay $9,000 less than the jobs that have been lost is the best we can do. (What exactly is your economic plan that will get people their $9,000 back?) They say this is the best economy we've ever had. And they say that anyone who thinks otherwise is a pessimist. (I’ve heard no one say this is the best economy we ever had, but if there are people who are saying that then they are wrong.) Well, here is our answer: There is nothing more pessimistic than saying America can't do better.

We can do better and we will. We're the optimists. For us, this is a country of the future. We're the can do people. (Uh, look around you, most people aren’t “can do”. And if they are “can do” then they usually aren’t voting for a Democrat.) And let's not forget what we did in the 1990s. We balanced the budget. We paid down the debt. We created 23 million new jobs. We lifted millions out of poverty and we lifted the standard of living for the middle class. We just need to believe in ourselves – and we can do it again. (How? By praying for another technology boom? What’s your plan, man?)

So tonight, in the city where America's freedom began, only a few blocks from where the sons and daughters of liberty gave birth to our nation – here tonight, on behalf of a new birth of freedom – on behalf of the middle class who deserve a champion, and those struggling to join it who deserve a fair shot – for the brave men and women in uniform who risk their lives every day and the families who pray for their return – for all those who believe our best days are ahead of us – for all of you – with great faith in the American people, I accept your nomination for President of the United States. (Oh, yeah! There’s the money shot!~ Btw, you can’t claim that your opponent is out of touch with the middle class when you are just as wealthy, if not wealthier than he is. It’s tacky. Not that he overtly claimed that, but it’s definitely implied.)

I am proud that at my side will be a running mate whose life is the story of the American dream and who's worked every day to make that dream real for all Americans – Senator John Edwards of North Carolina. And his wonderful wife Elizabeth and their family. This son of a mill worker is ready to lead – and next January, Americans will be proud to have a fighter for the middle class to succeed Dick Cheney as Vice President of the United States. (I think most Americans would just be proud to have a heart-healthy Vice President and it doesn’t hurt that Edwards has a killer smile. Of course when comparing the smiles of the two opposing VPs, it’s hard not to look good next to Cheney’s crooked, half-smirk/half-smile.)

And what can I say about Teresa? She has the strongest moral compass of anyone I know. (“Shove it.”) She's down to earth, nurturing, courageous, wise and smart. (“Shove it.”) She speaks her mind and she speaks the truth, and I love her for that, too. (“Shove it.”) And that's why America will embrace her as the next First Lady of the United States. (Teresa is about as embraceable as Crispin Glover on a four day meth-bend.)

For Teresa and me, no matter what the future holds or the past has given us, nothing will ever mean as much as our children. We love them not just for who they are and what they've become, but for being themselves, making us laugh, holding our feet to the fire, and never letting me get away with anything. Thank you, Andre, Alex, Chris, Vanessa, and John. (Holding our feet to the fire? What does that mean? Seriously, I have a 2-year old and if one day he’s going to put my feet next to some Kingston briquettes, I’d like to be prepared.~)

And in this journey, I am accompanied by an extraordinary band of brothers led by that American hero, a patriot named Max Cleland. (A couple of quick Max Cleland notes: 1. He spoke at my high school graduation. And 2. The way he was treated in his last election was a prime example evil Republican attack ads. They can claim they do it in defense, but they started it and they continue to be the first ones to launch those ads every election cycle. Knowing your history will only help you in determining why to hate each major party and when they are overtly lying.) Our band of brothers doesn't march together because of who we are as veterans, but because of what we learned as soldiers. We fought for this nation because we loved it and we came back with the deep belief that every day is extra. We may be a little older now, we may be a little grayer, but we still know how to fight for our country. (I don’t understand how he can be using his military service with a straight face. I understand he’s got the trump card compared to Bush when it comes to service, but he came back from Vietnam accusing other soldiers of horrendous acts. We need a whistle-blower, but come on! His actions upon coming back to American are anything but “Band of Brother-ish”. I understand Vietnam is different from any other war in our history, but I just don’t get how he can just turn his military experience on and off when ever it best benefits him. Disgusting.)

And standing with us in that fight are those who shared with me the long season of the primary campaign: Carol Moseley Braun, General Wesley Clark, Howard Dean, Dick Gephardt, Bob Graham, Dennis Kucinich, Joe Lieberman and Al Sharpton. (Well, there’s a group that’s a glowing example of democracy at its best. With the exception of Mr. Lieberman, I’d be embarrassed to be in the same party with that group.)

To all of you, I say thank you for teaching me and testing me – but mostly, we say thank you for standing up for our country and giving us the unity to move America forward. (Laughter stifled…barely.)

My fellow Americans, the world tonight is very different from the world of four years ago. But I believe the American people are more than equal to the challenge.

Remember the hours after September 11th, when we came together as one to answer the attack against our homeland. We drew strength when our firefighters ran up the stairs and risked their lives, so that others might live. When rescuers rushed into smoke and fire at the Pentagon. When the men and women of Flight 93 sacrificed themselves to save our nation's Capitol. When flags were hanging from front porches all across America, and strangers became friends. It was the worst day we have ever seen, but it brought out the best in all of us. (And how long will it take for a Democrat to say that the Republicans will be exploiting 9/11 at their convention?)

I am proud that after September 11th all our people rallied to President Bush's call for unity to meet the danger. There were no Democrats. There were no Republicans. There were only Americans. How we wish it had stayed that way. (Well, you could have led by example, but too late for that.)

Now I know there are those who criticize me for seeing complexities – and I do – because some issues just aren't all that simple. (I wish everyone could accept that, take it to heart, and not just pay it lip service as Kerry just did.) Saying there are weapons of mass destruction in Iraq doesn't make it so. (True, but saying there never were any is a bold-faced lie that continuously gets perpetuated.) Saying we can fight a war on the cheap doesn’t make it so. And proclaiming mission accomplished certainly doesn't make it so. (He’s got a point there.)

As President, I will ask hard questions and demand hard evidence. I will immediately reform the intelligence system – so policy is guided by facts, and facts are never distorted by politics. And as President, I will bring back this nation's time-honored tradition: the United States of America never goes to war because we want to; we only go to war because we have to. (Sure that sounds catchy, but it seems to be a pretty weak defense policy if you ask me. How is it that we can all agree that 9/11 changed everything, but yet some people still don’t believe that our defense policies need to be changed to accommodate the fact that “9/11 changed everything”?)

I know what kids go through when they are carrying an M-16 in a dangerous place and they can't tell friend from foe. I know what they go through when they're out on patrol at night and they don't know what's coming around the next bend. I know what it's like to write letters home telling your family that everything's all right when you're not sure that's true.

As President, I will wage this war with the lessons I learned in war. Before you go to battle, you have to be able to look a parent in the eye and truthfully say: "I tried everything possible to avoid sending your son or daughter into harm's way. But we had no choice. We had to protect the American people, fundamental American values from a threat that was real and imminent." So lesson one, this is the only justification for going to war. (This is where I disagree with Kerry the most, and unfortunately it makes me agree, somewhat, with the current administration. [Although, it doesn’t mean I support the current administration or the specifics on how they have handled the war in Iraq.] Sure there were some reasons for invading/liberating Iraq that were somewhat, uh, misleading, but it doesn’t mean that there wasn’t reasonable and tactical reasons for it. As murky as the whole thing is because of the history the Bush family and the gung-ho-ness of his administration, you can’t deny that getting rid of Sadam is not an acceptable part of a plan to defend our nation against additional terrorist attacks. It might not have been #1 on my defense priority list, but it wouldn’t have been too far down.)

And on my first day in office, I will send a message to every man and woman in our armed forces: You will never be asked to fight a war without a plan to win the peace. (Good for him. I think that’s Bush’s biggest weakness: the suddenness of the war in Iraq, the “Mission Accomplished fiasco, and the fact that a very clear plan was not presented at the beginning of the war and no attempt has been made to explain things any further since.)

I know what we have to do in Iraq. We need a President who has the credibility to bring our allies to our side and share the burden, reduce the cost to American taxpayers, and reduce the risk to American soldiers. That's the right way to get the job done and bring our troops home. (Good luck, but you aren’t easing any cost or life burden for America by getting a few more countries involved. We are the biggest super power in the world. There’s no one that can equally lend a hand. There’s not a group of countries that could band together that could make a significant dent. I’m not saying don’t reach out, I’m just saying it isn’t going to make that big a difference in the area of money and soldier’s lives. It might make things a bit friendlier and it might reduce the risk of some countries lending a hand to terrorists. If that’s your goal, then go ahead and reach out.)

Here is the reality: that won't happen until we have a president who restores America's respect and leadership -- so we don't have to go it alone in the world. (I see his point there, but it also makes me weary that with Kerry as president, we wouldn’t have a strong enough backbone to defend ourselves in these times when “9/11 changed everything”.)

And we need to rebuild our alliances, so we can get the terrorists before they get us.

I defended this country as a young man and I will defend it as President. Let there be no mistake: I will never hesitate to use force when it is required. Any attack will be met with a swift and certain response. I will never give any nation or international institution a veto over our national security. And I will build a stronger American military. (If he could stick to that, it would make me feel better.)

We will add 40,000 active duty troops – not in Iraq, but to strengthen American forces that are now overstretched, overextended, and under pressure. We will double our special forces to conduct anti-terrorist operations. We will provide our troops with the newest weapons and technology to save their lives – and win the battle. And we will end the backdoor draft of National Guard and reservists.

To all who serve in our armed forces today, I say, help is on the way. (I hope he’s right.)

As President, I will fight a smarter, more effective war on terror. We will deploy every tool in our arsenal: our economic as well as our military might; our principles as well as our firepower. (Are we not deploying our every tool now? And if not, why, as a U.S. Senator, is he not calling people’s attention to what these extra tools are?)

In these dangerous days there is a right way and a wrong way to be strong. Strength is more than tough words. After decades of experience in national security, I know the reach of our power and I know the power of our ideals.

We need to make America once again a beacon in the world. We need to be looked up to and not just feared. (Work is needed in that department, but you aren’t changing the minds and hearts of Islamic fundamentalists. You aren’t changing the minds of people that are so head strong or brainwashed that they will voluntarily die to bring about mass destruction to America. Yes, we should be looked up to and efforts should be made to pour on the charm, but remember who the enemy is and don’t think you are going to defeat them by telling them, “Hey, we aren’t so bad,” and then sending them a copy of the new Dave Matthews album to prove it.~)

We need to lead a global effort against nuclear proliferation – to keep the most dangerous weapons in the world out of the most dangerous hands in the world.

We need a strong military and we need to lead strong alliances. And then, with confidence and determination, we will be able to tell the terrorists: You will lose and we will win. The future doesn't belong to fear; it belongs to freedom.

And the front lines of this battle are not just far away – they're right here on our shores, at our airports, and potentially in any town or city. Today, our national security begins with homeland security. The 9-11 Commission has given us a path to follow, endorsed by Democrats, Republicans, and the 9-11 families. As President, I will not evade or equivocate; I will immediately implement the recommendations of that commission. We shouldn't be letting ninety-five percent of container ships come into our ports without ever being physically inspected. We shouldn't be leaving our nuclear and chemical plants without enough protection. And we shouldn't be opening firehouses in Baghdad and closing them down in the United States of America.

And tonight, we have an important message for those who question the patriotism of Americans who offer a better direction for our country. Before wrapping themselves in the flag and shutting their eyes and ears to the truth, they should remember what America is really all about. They should remember the great idea of freedom for which so many have given their lives. Our purpose now is to reclaim democracy itself. We are here to affirm that when Americans stand up and speak their minds and say America can do better, that is not a challenge to patriotism; it is the heart and soul of patriotism. (But attacking patriotism works so well for the Republicans. Don’t think they are going to give that up.)

You see that flag up there. We call her Old Glory. The stars and stripes forever. I fought under that flag, as did so many of you here and all across our country. That flag flew from the gun turret right behind my head. It was shot through and through and tattered, but it never ceased to wave in the wind. It draped the caskets of men I served with and friends I grew up with. For us, that flag is the most powerful symbol of who we are and what we believe in. Our strength. Our diversity. Our love of country. All that makes America both great and good.

That flag doesn't belong to any president. It doesn't belong to any ideology and it doesn't belong to any political party. It belongs to all the American people.

My fellow citizens, elections are about choices. (Very limited, black or white, Democrat or Republican, choices…) And choices are about values. In the end, it's not just policies and programs that matter; the president who sits at that desk must be guided by principle.

For four years, we've heard a lot of talk about values. But values spoken without actions taken are just slogans. Values are not just words. They're what we live by. They're about the causes we champion and the people we fight for. And it is time for those who talk about family values to start valuing families. (ALL families)

You don't value families by kicking kids out of after school programs and taking cops off our streets, so that Enron can get another tax break.

We believe in the family value of caring for our children and protecting the neighborhoods where they walk and play.

And that is the choice in this election.

You don't value families by denying real prescription drug coverage to seniors, so big drug companies can get another windfall.

We believe in the family value expressed in one of the oldest Commandments: "Honor thy father and thy mother." As President, I will not privatize Social Security. I will not cut benefits. And together, we will make sure that senior citizens never have to cut their pills in half because they can't afford life-saving medicine.

And that is the choice in this election.

You don't value families if you force them to take up a collection to buy body armor for a son or daughter in the service, if you deny veterans health care, or if you tell middle class families to wait for a tax cut, so that the wealthiest among us can get even more.

We believe in the value of doing what's right for everyone in the American family.

And that is the choice in this election.

We believe that what matters most is not narrow appeals masquerading as values, but the shared values that show the true face of America. Not narrow appeals that divide us, but shared values that unite us. (I thought Bush was a uniter, not a divider. Did he fail with that? Oh, yeah, he did.) Family and faith. Hard work and responsibility. Opportunity for all – so that every child, every parent, every worker has an equal shot at living up to their God-given potential.

What does it mean in America today when Dave McCune, a steel worker I met in Canton, Ohio, saw his job sent overseas and the equipment in his factory literally unbolted, crated up, and shipped thousands of miles away along with that job? What does it mean when workers I've met had to train their foreign replacements?

America can do better. So tonight we say: help is on the way.

What does it mean when Mary Ann Knowles, a woman with breast cancer I met in New Hampshire, had to keep working day after day right through her chemotherapy, no matter how sick she felt, because she was terrified of losing her family's health insurance.

America can do better. And help is on the way.

What does it mean when Deborah Kromins from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania works and saves all her life only to find out that her pension has disappeared into thin air – and the executive who looted it has bailed out on a golden parachute?

America can do better. And help is on the way.

What does it mean when twenty five percent of the children in Harlem have asthma because of air pollution?

America can do better. And help is on the way.

What does it mean when people are huddled in blankets in the cold, sleeping in Lafayette Park on the doorstep of the White House itself – and the number of families living in poverty has risen by three million in the last four years? (Red flag! I’d like to know where that statistic came from. Define poverty for me. That’s just one of those things that people will eat up without questioning.)

America can do better. And help is on the way. (I was silent during the “Help is on the way” portion of this speech. Partly because it’s the most effective part of his speech and because I’d actually like to know if he has policies that will bring this help.)

And so we come here tonight to ask: Where is the conscience of our country?

I'll tell you where it is: it's in rural and small town America; it's in urban neighborhoods and suburban main streets; it's alive in the people I've met in every part of this land. It's bursting in the hearts of Americans who are determined to give our country back its values and its truth.

We value jobs that pay you more not less than you earned before. We value jobs where, when you put in a week's work, you can actually pay your bills, provide for your children, and lift up the quality of your life. We value an America where the middle class is not being squeezed, but doing better.

So here is our economic plan to build a stronger America:

First, new incentives to revitalize manufacturing.

Second, investment in technology and innovation that will create the good-paying jobs of the future.

Third, close the tax loopholes that reward companies for shipping our jobs overseas. Instead, we will reward companies that create and keep good paying jobs where they belong – in the good old U.S.A.

(Man that was a short economic plan. Idea #1 sounds good, but if I know politicians it will be botched somehow. Idea #2: ditto. Idea #3: I think a broader more radical tax idea would prevent this, but I don’t have time to go into that now.)

We value an America that exports products, not jobs – and we believe American workers should never have to subsidize the loss of their own job.

Next, we will trade and compete in the world. But our plan calls for a fair playing field – because if you give the American worker a fair playing field, there's nobody in the world the American worker can't compete against. (If the level playing field he’s referring to is regarding the low wages that people in other countries earn, he’s wading in risky waters there. We shouldn’t take away the only way of earning a living for people in other countries just to keep those jobs here only to have that job completely terminated because the company can’t afford to keep it here anymore. Then that company is forced, to keep those jobs they can’t afford to pay Americans to do in America. So then to stay afloat they have to charge more for their product to make up for all the money they pay their employees. Then some foreign company beats them on the price and you know Wal-Mart ain’t carrying $100 sweater that’s made here in America. They are carrying the $15 sweater from Taiwan. Then instead of 40 people being out of a job, you’ve got a whole company going under. That’s not good economic practice. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just the stupid one, or if it’s the politicians that don’t understand economics. Oh, I’m sure they get it, maybe, but you don’t get votes by telling people the truth.)

And we're going to return to fiscal responsibility because it is the foundation of our economic strength. Our plan will cut the deficit in half in four years by ending tax giveaways that are nothing more than corporate welfare – and will make government live by the rule that every family has to follow: pay as you go. (You want to reduce the deficit? Start by calling Bush on something that will even have Republicans start to pay attention. He is the most free-spending President…EVER. [Warning: you should be suspicious of my statistics too.] His tax cuts work. They are fair no matter what his opponents say. The problem is that Bush is becoming a Democrat when it comes to government spending. Of course the deficit is going to go up when you reduce government intake through tax cuts, yet up the government spending by signing every bill that comes across your desk in an effort to appear as a compassionate conservative.)

And let me tell you what we won't do: we won't raise taxes on the middle class. You've heard a lot of false charges about this in recent months. So let me say straight out what I will do as President: I will cut middle class taxes. I will reduce the tax burden on small business. And I will roll back the tax cuts for the wealthiest individuals who make over $200,000 a year, so we can invest in job creation, health care and education. (You had me until the rollback. I don’t make over $200,000 a year, but it’s just not fair to give one bracket a tax break and not another. Especially when the bracket that doesn’t get the break has a disproportionately higher percentage of the tax burden.)

Our education plan for a stronger America sets high standards and demands accountability from parents, teachers, and schools. It provides for smaller class sizes and treats teachers like the professionals they are. And it gives a tax credit to families for each and every year of college. (I realize this is just a summation of his plan, but it sounds exactly like Bush’s education plan here.)
When I was a prosecutor, I met young kids who were in trouble, abandoned by adults. And as President, I am determined that we stop being a nation content to spend $50,000 a year to keep a young person in prison for the rest of their life – when we could invest $10,000 to give them Head Start, Early Start, Smart Start, the best possible start in life.

And we value health care that's affordable and accessible for all Americans.

Since 2000, four million people have lost their health insurance. Millions more are struggling to afford it.

You know what's happening. Your premiums, your co-payments, your deductibles have all gone through the roof.

Our health care plan for a stronger America cracks down on the waste, greed, and abuse in our health care system and will save families up to $1,000 a year on their premiums. You'll get to pick your own doctor – and patients and doctors, not insurance company bureaucrats, will make medical decisions. Under our plan, Medicare will negotiate lower drug prices for seniors. And all Americans will be able to buy less expensive prescription drugs from countries like Canada.

The story of people struggling for health care is the story of so many Americans. But you know what, it's not the story of senators and members of Congress. Because we give ourselves great health care and you get the bill. Well, I'm here to say, your family's health care is just as important as any politician's in Washington, D.C.

And when I'm President, America will stop being the only advanced nation in the world which fails to understand that health care is not a privilege for the wealthy, the connected, and the elected – it is a right for all Americans.

We value an America that controls its own destiny because it's finally and forever independent of Mideast oil. What does it mean for our economy and our national security when we only have three percent of the world's oil reserves, yet we rely on foreign countries for fifty-three percent of what we consume? (Are we supposed to feel bad for using 53% of oil from foreign countries? We are the superpower remember? You think being the driving force behind the world economy runs on coffee grounds, banana peels, and back issues of TV Guide? Ahhh, if only…)

I want an America that relies on its own ingenuity and innovation – not the Saudi royal family.

And our energy plan for a stronger America will invest in new technologies and alternative fuels and the cars of the future -- so that no young American in uniform will ever be held hostage to our dependence on oil from the Middle East.

I've told you about our plans for the economy, for education, for health care, for energy independence. (Hardly, but alright.) I want you to know more about them. So now I'm going to say something that Franklin Roosevelt could never have said in his acceptance speech: go to johnkerry.com.

I want to address these next words directly to President George W. Bush: In the weeks ahead, let's be optimists, not just opponents. Let's build unity in the American family, not angry division. Let's honor this nation's diversity; let's respect one another; and let's never misuse for political purposes the most precious document in American history, the Constitution of the United States.

My friends, the high road may be harder, but it leads to a better place. And that's why Republicans and Democrats must make this election a contest of big ideas, not small-minded attacks. This is our time to reject the kind of politics calculated to divide race from race, group from group, region from region. Maybe some just see us divided into red states and blue states, but I see us as one America – red, white, and blue. And when I am President, the government I lead will enlist people of talent, Republicans as well as Democrats, to find the common ground – so that no one who has something to contribute will be left on the sidelines.

And let me say it plainly: in that cause, and in this campaign, we welcome people of faith. America is not us and them. I think of what Ron Reagan said of his father a few weeks ago, and I want to say this to you tonight: I don't wear my own faith on my sleeve. But faith has given me values and hope to live by, from Vietnam to this day, from Sunday to Sunday. I don't want to claim that God is on our side. As Abraham Lincoln told us, I want to pray humbly that we are on God's side. And whatever our faith, one belief should bind us all: The measure of our character is our willingness to give of ourselves for others and for our country. (I liked that.)

These aren't Democratic values. These aren't Republican values. They're American values. We believe in them. They're who we are. And if we honor them, if we believe in ourselves, we can build an America that's stronger at home and respected in the world.

So much promise stretches before us. Americans have always reached for the impossible, looked to the next horizon, and asked: What if?

Two young bicycle mechanics from Dayton asked what if this airplane could take off at Kitty Hawk? It did that and changed the world forever. A young president asked what if we could go to the moon in ten years. And now we're exploring the solar system and the stars themselves. A young generation of entrepreneurs asked what if we could take all the information in a library and put it on a little chip the size of a fingernail? We did and that too changed the world forever.

And now it's our time to ask: What if?

What if we find a breakthrough to cure Parkinson's, diabetes, Alzheimer's and AIDS? What if we have a president who believes in science, so we can unleash the wonders of discovery like stem cell research to treat illness and save millions of lives? (I love the fact that it has come to “let’s vote for a President that believes in science”. Woo-boy! Kerry: 1, Bush: 0)

What if we do what adults should do – and make sure all our children are safe in the afternoons after school? And what if we have a leadership that's as good as the American dream – so that bigotry and hatred never again steal the hope and future of any American?

I learned a lot about these values on that gunboat patrolling the Mekong Delta with young Americans who came from places as different as Iowa and Oregon, Arkansas, Florida and California. No one cared where we went to school. No one cared about our race or our backgrounds. We were literally all in the same boat. We looked out, one for the other – and we still do.

That is the kind of America I will lead as President – an America where we are all in the same boat.

Never has there been a more urgent moment for Americans to step up and define ourselves. I will work my heart out. But, my fellow citizens, the outcome is in your hands more than mine.
It is time to reach for the next dream. It is time to look to the next horizon. For America, the hope is there. The sun is rising. Our best days are still to come.

Goodnight, God bless you, and God bless America.

(Overall, it was a decent speech. There were a few really nice moments and a bunch of crap. Not that Bush’s will be any better. I hope to find the time to do the same to his after the Republican convention.)

If Henny Youngman Had Played Hamlet.

If there's one thing I love it's the juxtaposition of Vaudevillian comedy and the Bard.